When I woke up Lillianah was gone, but she left a note letting me know she was going to the doctor’s office and to meet her at Starbucks at 10 AM. I was relieved to hear she was going to the doctor’s office. I didn’t think she would go so soon. I took a quick shower and looked around in my closet, when my eyes fell on the safe I knew today was the day. I had to do it today, or I would regret it. Live in today, right? That’s what we’re suppose to do. There was no way she would tell me no. Absolutely no way, she was giving me all the signs to yes. At least I thought she was. I couldn’t be that stupid. I shoved the ring in my pocket like I did every other day and headed out the front door. I peaked out the front door and noticed the nice weather, I bypassed the garage and headed out front. It was too beautiful of a day in the end of March to drive four blocks. The minute I hit the sidewalk though, I turned right back around. I needed King. He was going to be my support. Our little family. I clipped his leash on him, and continued outside. I took long deep breaths on my walk, trying to boost my confidence. When I arrived at Starbucks, Lillianah was sitting outside patiently waiting for me. “Hey Kingster!” She smiled as she bent over to scratch his head. I tied the leash on to my chair and sat down, happy to see my coffee sitting in front of me. “How was the doctor’s office?” I asked after taking a sip, nearly burning the roof of my mouth. “It was alright, he just figured it was from the stress and put me on a new diet. Looks like I’ll be eating like you for awhile,” she laughed and a smile appeared on her face. “Good.”
I woke up around 8 AM and wrote Max a bogus note about going to the doctor’s office. I really wasn’t going, but I needed him to think I was. I just needed a few hours to sit and think about what the hell I was doing. I grabbed one of his sweatshirts and headed out the front door. I called for a cab and within minutes I found myself at the Point. I took a seat on the water’s edge and wrapped my arms around myself. What I was doing was sure suicide. I was on track to lose everything I had worked for over the past four months. A reconciliation with my family, love, comfort and support. The lifestyle I was leading was taking me down the wrong road. I got wrapped up in my emotions and instead of dealing with them, I turned to the drugs. I was abusing myself. After looking out over the rivers for a hour and began to shiver from the cold spring air, I stood up and decided a nice long walk would do me good. I pulled the bandanna out of my back pocket and wrapped my hair up in it. I began my trek back to the south side, and if I didn’t become distracted I would make it there in time to meet Max at Starbucks.
I walked inside of Starbucks and ordered my coffee as well as his. Once they were ready, I headed outside and took a seat at my usual table outside. I was going to need fresh air to come up with some bullshit lies about the doctors office. When I saw him walking down the street with King in tow, I smiled. I made the right decision. I was going to clean myself up and get healthy again. I wanted a life with Max. A long, happy, healthy life. I was happy he brought King along, he was going to be my support. I got King shortly after I sobered up the first time, and the little brute of a guy could make me smile on the crappiest of days. “How was the doctor’s office?” Max asked after he obviously burned himself from the coffee. I felt bad for not warning him that it would still be hot. “It was alright, he just figured it was from the stress and put me on a new diet. Looks like I’ll be eating like you for awhile,” I laughed nervously and placed a smile on my face for reassurance. He smiled back and nodded his head, “good.” “I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass lately,” I suddenly blurted out. “You haven’t been a pain in the ass, I’ve just been worried about you.” I sucked in the left side of my mouth and looked down at King. I didn’t want Max to worry. It wasn’t fair for him to worry over my stupid decisions in life.
After a few minutes of silence, I looked back up at her and now was the time. We just had a great weekend with my parents and she was on the right track to getting healthy. “Hey, I wanted to ask you something,” I stuttered out and grabbed her hand across the table. She swallowed hard and looked in my eyes, urging me to continue. “I wasn’t lying when I said I can’t live without you Lil. And I know this is suppose to be extravagant and romantic, but you still make me a nervous mess sometimes.” I stood up from the table and went down on one knee in front of her. Her chin fell to her chest and her leg began to bounce nervously. I pulled the ring box out of my pocket and flipped it open with my free hand. “Lil, I want you to be my wife. I want you to spend the rest of your life with me. Will you marry me?” I looked at her, secretly urging her to lift her head and to look at me. She choked back a sob and finally lifted her eyes to mine. “No.” My mouth fell open and my whole body tensed up. I released her hand and slowly closed the box. “Max, wait.” I stayed at my spot on the ground and was trying not to notice the people who had stopped to watch. “I want to marry you. I do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but not now, okay? It’s just bad timing and I think it might be too soon. I have some personal issues I need to work out first, but when the time is right, I’ll let you know.” I nodded my head and finally stood up, reclaiming my seat across from her. “Please don’t be mad, I love you, okay?” “I love you too, I just thought we could work through this together. Maybe I’m just being impatient.” I bit my bottom lip scared of how she would reply. Would she agree with me? I was jumping the gun too soon? “I need to work through this myself, I can’t depend on you for everything. We’ll get married, we will, just not now.” For the first time in a very, very long time, things were awkward.
I sat on my bed, later in the day still feeling very much rejected and watched Lillianah get ready for work. “Do you have to go to work tonight?” I asked just wanting her to stay so we could continue being awkward around each other. At least we would be around each other. “I always work on Monday’s you know that. It’s usually very low key, and prep for the rest of the week,” she smiled weakly at me and I nodded my head. She pulled on baggy jeans and a cut off t-shirt before leaning over and kissing me forcefully. “I love you Maxime. I do. Don’t ever question that.” “I love you too.” I stayed on my bed and watched her walk out. I fell back on the bed and thought of things I could do to pass time before she was back in my arms. I sent a text message off to Flower telling him I finally asked, and I was shot down. He replied that he would be over in a half hour, along with Sidney. Maybe that’s all I needed was some friends. King was a lot of support, but just not enough to get the bad thoughts out of my head.
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Should I have just said yes, just to make things less awkward between us, or should I have stuck with my answer? I did want to marry him . . . in the future. I wasn’t ready for marriage. There were some times when I didn’t even think I was ready for a relationship. I walked in to the club and snatched a bottle of tequila from behind the bar before heading up stairs. I set all of my stuff up and unscrewed the bottle, taking a nice hard pull. I needed to forget today, all of today. I was a fuck up. A complete fuck up. If I could make it through the night without taking a hit of coke, I think I could be alright. Kind of. I just wanted to get the image of him down on one knee out of my head. It wasn’t suppose to happen like this, none of this was suppose to happen like this. I took another long, hard pull and could feel my whole body heat up from the alcohol.
The more I drank, sang and danced, the more I thought of him. I pulled out some songs that reminded me of him and played them for the small crowd down on the dance floor. “I never thought I’d be in love like this, when I look at you my mind goes on a trip. When you came in and knocked me on my face, feels like I’m in a race, but I already won first place. I never thought I’d fall for you as hard as I did. You got me thinking about our life, a house and kids.” I swayed my hips to the music and a message from Andrew popped up on my computer. What’s wrong with you? Come down here. I quickly threw on a play list and headed down the stairs. When I walked in to his office, there it was, all over his desk. He must have been having a rough day too. “What’s wrong?” He asked after taking a line up his nose. “Max asked me to marry him and I told him no.” He held his hand out to tell me I could have a line and I was hesitant at first. How much did I really want to forget today? “That’s rough Lil. You probably broke his heart.” As much as I wanted to yell at him to shut the fuck up, I took three steps forward and picked up his credit card. “Fuck.” I swiped out a line and picked up the twenty dollar bill. “You love him?” I nodded my head up and down. “Marriage isn’t for everyone.” He wasn’t helping my case, one bit. I leaned over and snorted the line. I made my decision. It was obvious with the itching in my nose. I was fucking stupid. I sat down in the big leather chair and began to cry. I needed to forget today. I needed to forget the past four months. I needed to forget everything.