[forty-eight]

Lillianah’s POV

I immediately began to freak out when I noticed what Max thought was baby powder was actually cocaine. I’ve gotten cocaine in my eye before and I know how bad it hurts, it burns like a bitch, but eventually the pain subsides and with a little Visine, the burning goes away. I was just worried about one thing, would he get high from it? I’ve heard of crazy experiments late in the 19th century where men placed cocaine in their eyes, but I was never sober when we discussed the topic, and couldn’t remember the outcome of the experiments. After he left for his game I completely broke down and freaked out. I sniffed one last small line before flushing the rest down the toilet. I pulled on the big, ugly yellow gloves and grabbed the bathroom cleaner. I scrubbed down every surface that could be scrubbed down. How could I have been so stupid? Brining that in to his apartment. What would have happened if someone found it? The quicker I moved around the bathroom the more angry I became with myself. I was slowly self destructing. The next time I looked up at the clock it was already eight and I needed to get ready for work. I looked around at three hours worth of scrubbing and I was convinced not a trace of the drug was left behind. I looked at myself in the mirror and could barely recognize myself, I was losing weight. What was I doing to myself? I pulled my hair up in to a pony tail and then grabbed the top layer of club clothes out of my drawer, quickly throwing them on.

I wasn’t exactly in the zone at work that night, I kept replaying what had happened with Max in my mind. I couldn’t believe I could be that stupid. Yet here I was, standing in my booth, asking if my boss had any to offer via our instant communicator on our laptops. ‘Ten minutes, come on down.’ I read his words and nodded my head as I danced around, quickly throwing a play list together. This was it for me, it had to be. I’d do this one last line to get me through the work night, then no more. With our parents coming to town in just two short days, I had to cut the crap. I just have to quit. That was the bottom line, quit. Was it that easy though? My mind fluttered back to the first time I overcame my addiction and it wasn’t pretty. Now I had two options, die or get healthy. Was living worth the depression, nightmares, agitation and restlessness? Would calling my life quits be the easy way out? Was I looking to take the easy way out? An image of Max flashed through my eyes and I knew I needed to fight this. This wasn’t just my life anymore, this was Max’s as well. As independent as I thought I could be, I wasn’t anymore. I was madly in love with a man that loved me back, he was worth living for.

Glancing down at my computer I noticed eleven minutes had passed by and I quickly threw the play list on, stepping out of my booth. I headed down the stairs, thinking about how this was going to be my last line. I kept repeating it to myself in my head as I stood outside of his door. Just one more, just this last one. I walked through the door and saw a neat line waiting for me on his desk. “Does your boyfriend know you use?” he asked and I looked up at him from my bended stance. “No, and that’s how it’s going to stay.” He nodded his head and leaned back in his leather chair as he watched me snort the line. “I heard he’s not playing tonight.” “What?” I looked at him odd and tilted my head to the side as I sniffed numerous times before finally itching my nose. “He was a last minute scratch, do you know why?” I thought back to the cocaine on the sink that ended up in his eye. Did something bad happen? Did he get high? “Fuck.” I knew he was rubbing his eye pretty bad, did he have an allergic reaction? Maybe he was just having bad allergies, and it just irritated them. “Shit!” “What Lil?” I looked up at Andrew. “Allergies. He’s got bad allergies.” I looked down at myself to make sure I didn’t have any residue on me and left his office.

The colors bounced off the walls as I climbed the stairs back up to my booth. I wanted to dance, in the crowd. I wanted to melt together with everyone on the dance floor, but I had to work. One day though, hopefully sometime soon, I will be down on the dance floor, getting sweaty and sticking to strangers. If I was lucky I would have Max with me to grind with. To rub my hands all over his body. To move with in such a synchronization people would think we were one person. One person melted together. That’s what I wanted to be with Max. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be in him. I wanted to be surrounded by him. When I wanted to be with him though, I wanted to be my sober self. I couldn’t tell you the last time we slept together when I was sober. Sex was so much better when I was high. Orgasms created between the two of us were something worth documenting for National Geographic. We’ve been two animals set out in to the open to maul each other how ever we wanted. We could get all sappy and emotional as we wanted and say we were each other’s penguins, but fuck that, we were each others rabbits. Monkeys even. We didn’t know where to start, and we absolutely didn’t know when to stop. I moved my hips to the music in a way I would move my hips with his. I missed him. I wanted to be in his arms. One of the good side effects of cocaine, time flies.

I unlocked the door and slowly stepped inside, extremely exhausted and with a pounding headache. I heard the TV on in the living room and once I got closer I saw Marc and Sidney watching some movie with Max fast asleep on the recliner. “Hey,” I whispered as I stepped in closer to see they were watching Lifetime. “What happened?” I asked as I pointed to Max. “He had a bad allergic reaction to something, and then they shot him with the EpiPen and I guess he got all loopy and just passed out pretty much. He fell asleep around six, woke up about forty minutes ago and he just fell back asleep about twenty minutes ago,” Sidney explained as he stretched out his arms over his head. As soon as I heard the word ‘EpiPen’ leave his mouth my heart clenched. If the cocaine did go in to his system, the last thing he needed was epinephrine. I almost fucking killed my boyfriend. I’m sure the cocaine caused his heart rate to go up, and the epinephrine does the same exact thing, it’s was a deadly cocktail for a sure heart attack. I choked back a few sobs as Marc and Sidney carried Max into the bedroom. “Is it alright if we just say here? Just in case? We have to move the rest of the furniture in the morning anyways,” Marc asked and I nodded my head slowly trying my hardest not to cry in front of them. They headed back to the couches and I turned on my heel and looked at Max cuddled up in bed. What would I have done if something terrible had happened? All because of my addiction, the addiction I don’t want anymore. I crawled in to bed and wrapped my arms around Max, just feeling him, hearing him breathing was enough to settle my stomach just for the night.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt a pair of lips on my nose. I opened my eyes to see Max smiling at me. “Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked as I kissed his cheek and curled up closer to him. “Much better than I did last night, that’s for sure. I feel like I’ve been asleep for twelve hours,” he smiled. Once I saw that too big of a smile for that face I felt the tears fall from the corners of my eyes, crawling down my face and in to my ear. I looked over his shoulder for the clock, but it wasn’t there, there was nothing left in the room. “What time is it?” I asked him. “About ten.” “You’ve been asleep for about sixteen hours babe. I’m gonna go make breakfast for the boys. Take a hot shower, okay?” He nodded his head and kissed me on the lips and I crawled out of bed and headed in to the kitchen. Marc and Sidney were back in their spots, watching Lifetime once again. I looked around the kitchen and found Poptarts, bananas and a box of Cherrios. “Alright boys, here’s breakfast. I’ll cook you a better meal once everything is in the house,” I smiled to them as I tossed over the boxes and bananas.

Max’s POV

We were officially moved in, but she was acting so strange. I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face as I looked around, but she seemed so distant and almost paranoid about something. I found it odd when she started crying in bed when she woke up, but I didn’t want to push her about it. When she was ready, she would tell me what was on her mind. I handed out beers to the boys and we crashed on the couches and took nice long pulls on our beers. I was feeling great, and according to everyone on the team, I should be feeling like shit the way I looked at the game the night before. “Hey Lil,” I called for her and heard her plus King’s footsteps come through the room. “Yeah babe,” she smiled at me with a towel over her shoulder, she was obviously putting the kitchen to use. “Did you use something different in dinner last night? I had a bad allergic reaction and I don’t know what from.” I could see her shoulders tighten and her right eye twitch, she slowly shook her head from side to side. “No, it’s been the same as I’ve been doing.” I nodded my head and mouthed ‘I love you’ to her before she retreated back to the kitchen, King in tow. “I gotta give it to you Talbot, this is a great house,” Sidney said as he held his beer up in the air. “Why thank you, the lady helped me pick it out. She’s going to help me decorate it as well. She said I need to learn to love color.”

After finishing two beers each, Sidney, Marc and I began assembling the new beds I had ordered. Each room now had a bed, a brand new bed, except for the one in our room. We had the whole day to get the house put together as much as we could before Lil’s parents as well as mine showed up the next day. The more we got done, the more I noticed how empty the house seemed. Even with all of my stuff and Lillianah’s, it didn’t feel like a home. But I guess it wouldn’t right away, we would buy things together to fill the house to make it a home. I headed down to the garage to find some more tools when I heard Lillianah’s voice on the other side of the door. “I need help,” I heard her say and her words caused me to fumbled over my own feet, pushing the door open. She spun around and quickly finished her conversation, hanging up her phone. “Hey babe, are you okay? You’ve seemed kind of out of it all day,” I ask her as I step closer to her, almost scared to touch her. “Yeah, I’m just stressed I guess. This has been stressful,” she swung her arms around, motioning to all of the boxes in the garage. “Hey, it’s alright, we’re here now. Now the fun begins,” I smile as I lean forward and kiss her sweetly. I walk past her to the tool box and pull out what I need. I kiss her again as I headed back upstairs. “What took you so long Max? Had to break in the garage with Lil?” Marc asked as he took the flat head screwdriver from me. “Fuck you’re jealous,” I laugh as we finish with the last bed.

Later that night, as Lillianah and I laid in bed, our limbs tangled together, I knew life couldn’t be more perfect. Her words of ‘I need help’ frightened me though. That could mean so many things. Too exhausted to have sex, I tugged on her tank top for her to open her eyes. Once she did she smiled and lifted her leg up further on my thigh. “We need a song,” I smiled as I kissed her nose. “A song? Have any in mind?” “You’re the DJ here lady, know of any that fit us good?” She bit her bottom lip and her eyes darted around, and I knew she was going through the iTunes library in her head. She jumped up from the bed and walked over the new lounge chair we had and pulled her laptop out of her bag. She sat back down on the bed next to me and turned it on. She clicked away after a few moments and “Womanizer” by Britney Spears began to play. “I’m just kidding,” she laughed as she turned it off. She sorted through her music once again, and I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. Music was apart of her, and I’m sure she knew exactly where everything was in her iTunes library. She rested the laptop down by our feet and then pressed the space bar. She cuddled back up to me and a soft piano filled the bedroom. She nuzzled her mouth up against my ear and whispered the words to me. “Love of my life, my soul mate. You’re my best friend. Part of me, like breathing.” I turned my face and kissed her as the song filled in around us. It sounded pretty and that’s all I needed to know about how she felt about me. Her soul mate. Her best friend.